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Love & Loss

Deep subject here, but hey… that’s what I do.

I lost my mom when I was 15 from cancer.  I am a nurse today because of the tragic loss that I had as a child.

I can remember my mom being sick at the hospital.  My brothers and sister came home and we were all going to the hospital to see her.  We arrived and I knew right where to go.  I had been there multiple times to see her.  So, I ran to her room and started talking before the door shut behind me.  I walked over by the window because that is the way my moms head was turned.  I proceeded to tell her all about my day and the normal sibling banter that had been going on.

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She just stared out the window.  Unblinking.  This was usually the case because the cancer had taken her brain, bones and liver, even after she had a mastectomy.  She had no idea who I was for the past 5 months.  Heartbreaking for a child.  Anyway, I went over to her bed and kept saying mom, mom, mom….. with increasing volume.  Hell, I just wanted her to look at me.  That’s it.  She didn’t look at me.  So, I grabbed her hand.  She still didn’t look at me.  A few seconds later, my dad and siblings came in.  They removed me from the room kicking and screaming.  I really don’t remember any more of that day.  Mom had passed that morning before we arrived.

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God.  I prayed a million times for her to come back to me….. that it wouldn’t have happened.  I was a little spoiled.  I was basically an only child, as my siblings that I mentioned earlier, are at least 10 years older than me.  Not much memory of them as a child either.  So, I missed out on a lot by mom leaving.  Not that she could help it.

Now a day, I still have some times of grief or jealousy, as I listen to others talk about their Holidays with the family.  I am not sad that my life is the way it is…. It just is the way it is, which has made me the person I am today.  Which I think is pretty good, by the way.  I have two beautiful children who have grown into giving, loving adults, three siblings who I talk to on the phone, a loving husband, who comes with two pretty awesome parents, and some pretty cool friends, whom I often tell that I love.

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So, I am telling you this very personal story because as we enter the new year, many of us reflect on the past year.  Sometimes reflection leads to despair and sometimes leads to improvements.  When people have suffered great loss and are in the thick of things, it feels like you will NEVER get passed it.  It feels like it has engulfed you with a thick, sticky slime.  One that wont allow you to breathe or move.

But….. it does get better.  The sadness does lessen.  Your experiences can turn you into something wonderful.  It can and it has.  Use this new year reflection to appreciate the things that you have had to conquer because it has made you WHO you ARE TODAY.

May your history shape you, not define you.

Susan

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